Total Divastation: recapping the WWE Total Divas season 5 finale

Submitted by Kevin LaRose

The Season Finale

Paris, France – a small country located in, what is commonly and locally known as the European Union, or more simply, the EU. A black van pulls up to the curb, and out walks four women in black dresses. The Bellas, Eva Marie, and Natalya are finally at the restaurant from Something’s Gotta Give. The girls propose a toast, to the four originals. A beautiful French man hits on them and quickly walks away. And just as fast as they entered the restaurant, they are out of the restaurant. I have to admit I am pretty bummed that we didn’t even get to finish watching them drink at least one glass of that French wine. 

The girls walk over to the Eiffel Tower. They seem to be under the spell of some sort of pagan superstition and believe that if one makes a wish upon the Eiffel Tower at night then the wish will come true. The girls are amazed at the site of the Eiffel Tower again, and Nikki makes her wish. “I wish John Cena will marry me.” The American dream. 

Nattie then makes her wish. She wishes TJ to be there with her. Eva Marie wishes something about love and Jonathan. Brie wishes for Bryan to be cleared because she believes in his dreams. Nikki tells everyone that John Cena wants to marry her, but he still doesn’t want to have kids. 

It’s the daytime now, and Paige, Fox, and Mandy are talking about last night. Mandy has a hat that says, “Paris.” I’d buy that hat, too. She’s still so pissed that Eva Marie went to dinner with the Bellas. Mandy is the ultimate third wheel.

Rosa and her fiancé decide to celebrate their impending nuptials by sight-seeing around Paris. Rosa wants to go to some kind of arch. Her fiancé, his name is Bobby, thinks she is talking about Noah’s Ark. If only there were some sort of famous triumphant Arch in Paris that would be easy for Rosa to look up on her phone. Rosa asks when the wedding will be. Bobby redirects the question. Rosa says six months. Bobby says six months from when the baby is born. Rosa says get married by a minister. Bobby says he wants Brad to perform the ceremony. They start to argue and then decide to not talk about it anymore. 

A beautiful French man takes a picture with Paige and tells her she is crazy. Fox decides to plan an impromptu party at the hottest party venue in the world, Moulin Rouge. She has a fantasy that the other Divas will dress up in French fashion, and she will be the photographer. Fox overhears Nattie telling Mandy that the fashion photo shoot is stupid. Fox is so pissed. She goes into Rosa’s room to complain about Nattie. Fox cancels the photo shoot. All the Divas argue in the living room. They work out their issues. The photo shoot is back on. Thank god. They decide to drink that French wine. 

Eva Marie apologizes to Mandy in her room. Mandy speaks her mind. She is mega-butthurt. Eva Marie acts pretty classy. But Mandy doesn’t really think Eva Marie is being real, so she responds by lying and telling her they are friends again. Whelp, sorry Mandy, we won’t get to see how this plays out because you won’t be returning next season.

Rosa is so happy to go out with all the girls. They are at a really nice, really fancy French restaurant. Fox gives a speech. Fox loves giving speeches, it’s obvious. All the girls go over to the Moulin Rouge, and they are all super impressed and mega excited. They are so amazed, and they keep saying the word amazed. Nattie tells us how much she loves all the girls, and how important this trip has been. 

Back in the states, and keeping with the French theme, the WWE is in New Orleans. Rosa shows Big Show her ring, and Big Show shows Rosa warmth and compassion. She can’t wait to give birth to Baby Jordan. Rosa interviews Dolph Ziggler. Dolph brings this season full circle, as he wasn’t man enough in his attempt to steal Nikki away from Cena. They all eat cake.

TWO MONTHS LATER

Tampa, FL

In Nikki and John’s house, Nikki chases around her cute dog, Winston. Winston is adorable. Nikki’s mom is in town to babysit the dog if Nikki has to have surgery. Nikki tells her mom that she feels like shit every day. She gets an MRI.

Pittsburgh, PA

Rosa is having cramping, she’s in a ton of pain. She and Bobby go to the hospital. Rosa decides to leave her Rolex at Bobby’s parents’ house. After the commercial, Rosa has had her baby. The baby is cute. Rosa feels so emotional. Rosa wishes her mom was there. Rosa and her mom are at odds due to Bobby’s atheism. 

Back in Tampa, Nikki tells her mom that her back is getting worse. Everything is worse than they originally thought. She has to have surgery. She doesn’t want to retire from wrestling. She is in so much pain all the time. She is so frustrated. 

In Pittsburgh, Rosa feeds her baby. Bobby is so excited and completely anxious. Rosa hasn’t heard from her mom in two months. Rosa says she could move to Pittsburgh. Bobby tells her that while she can’t go down the street and get a kale juice, but she can go down the street and milk a cow. Rosa said she’d rather just feed the baby. They get in a car and Rosa sees a frozen lake. She is amazed. Rosa’s mom told her to tell her baby that she is going to burn in hell. Bobby is so pissed at Rosa’s mom. 

Columbus, OH

Nikki has a meeting with Carrano. John calls her from Tampa. Cena is hanging out with Nikki’s mom, and he tells her not to worry about Carrano. He apologizes for not being there, but he just had surgery himself. 

Back in Pittsburgh, Bobby and Rosa look at baby Jordan. Rosa wants to move to Pittsburgh. She is happy there. I’m not worried about them, they are going to be OK as a family.

Back in Columbus, it’s time for the meeting with Carrano. They make jokes about business casual dress codes. Then things get serious. They don’t know what the future looks like. Is Nikki done? Could this be it for her? Nikki asks, “What is Nikki Bella without wrestling?” She answers, “There is no Nikki Bella.” It’s a race for survival, if she can’t wrestle again, then not only will she be forced to retire, but it seems as though Nikki Bella will cease to exist all together.

As if…