WWE Vintage Collection Report (09/30/12)

WWE Vintage Collection Report: September 30th 2012
By Shaun Best-Rajah.com Reporter
Hosted by: Mean Gene Okerlund

Welcome to the “Price is Right” WWE style. Okerlund opens the show in a white tux, complete with female assistant named MacKenna, stood in front of a flashing board. There are 16 illuminated squares and five scheduled stops for this week, so let’s press our Vintage luck.

Monday Night Raw: May 16th 1994
Sumo Match: Yokozuna w/Mr Fuji & Jim Cornette vs Earthquake
The ropes have been dismantled for this first time spectacle. Earthquake actually has previous sumo experience (24-0 as Kototenzan) compared to Yoko’s none, but the Quake is still hyped as an underdog. First man to push his opponent to the mat or out of the ring wins. With lots of hugging and jostling for position, Yoko nearly gets Quake out a few times. Quake finally turns it around, throws Yoko off balance and sends him toppling to the floor. Randy Savage leaves the announce table to go and celebrate with Earthquake, while Yoko acts all pissed on the floor. Winner: EARTHQUAKE. Yoko and Crush would “injure” Earthquake as revenge, to take him out of a scheduled King of the Ring match with eventual winner Owen Hart. During his downtime, Earthquake jumped to WCW.

WWF In Your House 5 – Seasons Beatings: December 17th 1995
Hog Pen Match: Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs Henry O. Godwinn
Hillbilly Jim is the special referee. Triple H is in his Connecticut Blueblood phase. First man to throw the other into the pig pen wins. Tony Chimel and some unlucky fans in the front row get hit with slop intended for Hunter. Henry ties Hunter in the ropes and smears slop all over his face. Hunter comes back with a running clothesline, swinging neckbreaker and high knee. The fight spills outside. Henry sends Hunter into the steps, before scooping him up and heading towards the pen. Both take trips into the guardrail. Hunter reverses Henry into the pen door.

Henry counters a Pedigree and Hunter gets perched on the top of the pen. Hunter manages to balance himself and drops an elbow onto Henry. Back to the ring we go. Henry counters a monkey flip into a wheelbarrow faceplant. Hunter bumps upside down in the corner, then flies over the top rope. The pen is calling. Hunter grabs onto the guardrail to block a slop drop. Henry reverses Hunter into the pen door. Hunter’s back is sliced open. Slop drop connects. Henry decides to charge and predictably gets backdropped into the pen. Hunter refuses to let Hillbilly raise his hand and shoves him. Henry press slams Hunter into the pen, then slams him into the muck for good measure. Winner: HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY. Surely, Triple H can look back on this now and laugh, right? Maybe not.

Monday Night Raw: January 9th 1995
Tuxedo Match: Harvey Wippleman w/Well Dunn vs Howard Finkel w/The Bushwhackers
This is the supposed Lightning Round of the show. Both roll around trying to rip the other’s garments off and are sporting Y-fronts with RAW written on the backs. Harvey thinks he’s won with a bit of a trouser leg remaining. Howard dumps him off the ropes from behind and is declared the actual winner, for still having a small belt on. Terrible, just terrible. Guest commentator Shawn Michaels rightfully mocks and buries the match throughout its painful five minutes. Winner: HOWARD FINKEL.

Monday Night Raw: April 8th 1996
Arm Wrestling Match: British Bulldog vs Ahmed Johnson
Time for a Bonus Round! After a little bit of back-and-forth straining, Ahmed slams Bulldog’s arm down and is declared the winner. Bulldog attacks Ahmed with several chairshots, before having a bit of trouble with a table. Bulldog tries and fails to put Ahmed through some wood, as two irish whips fail to break it. Bulldog throws the table down on top of Ahmed and proceeds to jump up and down on it repeatedly until he’s separated by officials. The table still doesn’t break. This was unintentionally funny.

WWF In Your House 8 – Beware of Dog II: May 28th 1996
Casket Match – Intercontinental Title: Goldust w/Marlena vs The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer
No prizes for guessing the Deadman being one of the participants in a Casket Match. Goldust waits for Undertaker to enter. Bearer causes a distraction, enabling Undertaker to surprise Goldust from behind and get the upper hand. Goldust gets sent into the ring steps and the custom made Gold casket. Undertaker goes old school with the rope walk and forearm. Goldust elbows his way out of a corner. Undertaker sits up from a slam and tombstone piledriver. Goldust delivers a low clothesline and rolls Undertaker into the casket, but can’t shut the lid.

A sleeper puts Undertaker out, but he sticks an arm out to prevent the casket being closed. Goldust sits on the top of the casket, only to get thrown off. Flying clothesline connects from the Deadman. Another clothesline puts both on the floor. Undertaker grabs a chair, but eats a boot to the face. Goldust hits a powerslam and flying clothesline, but comes undone when he attempts to go old school and is thrown from the top rope. Tombstone piledriver puts Goldust out. Undertaker opens the casket and is surprised by Mankind, who slaps on the Mandible Claw. Mankind closes and locks the casket to give Goldust the win. Smoke pours out of the casket. Bearer prizes it open, but Undertaker is gone. Winner: GOLDUST.

More game show capers from Vintage’s Next Top Model next week, with options such as TLC, Triple Cage, Annexation of Puerto Rico (what?) and Loser Wears a Dress still intact.

Follow me on Twitter @Shaun_Best.