The John Report: The Raw Deal for 10/19/09 (HHH vs. Cena)
The John Report: The Raw Deal for 10/19/09 (HHH vs. Cena)
Welcome to the Raw Deal. I watch Raw, give my thoughts on everything that went down, bring it home with the three stars of the show plus a final rating and then end the Raw discussion with the thoughts from my friends on Facebook in the weekly Commentfest, which might be longer than ever this week. Thanks to my man Jarrod for the banner. HBK’s my favorite ever, Maryse is fantastic and Swagger’s somebody who I think has a great future, so I like it a lot. The hand is the son of Mark Henry and Mae Young. He’s grown fast, hasn’t he?
Before I start, a couple of points of discussion. I already covered my thoughts on Shane McMahon leaving WWE in the weekend’s Talking Smack column here. I also received an email from a former WWE employee with some insight on the situation that I also posted on the weekend and you can view it here. In reading up about the story in other places it really does seem like one of those “out of nowhere” type deals. I don’t think this means Shane is going against the family business or anything like that. He wants to try other things. I guess we’ll find out what those other things are in the new year once his departure from WWE is official.
One last thing I want to mention is the big project I’ve been working on this month. It’s a full roster evaluation of the WWE roster with thoughts, analysis and a peak into the future for every on-air performer in the company. The last time I did one of those was four years ago. I will use a letter grade to rate everybody as they are listed on WWE.com on their respective brand. It will be split into two parts. Part one will be Raw and ECW while part two will obviously be Smackdown as well as a final written analysis of the roster. I will be posting the Raw/ECW portion most likely on Monday prior to Raw while the Smackdown and final part will be on Thursday. This will probably mean next week’s Raw Deal and Talking Smack columns will be much shorter than my usual, but I will post them at their regular time. That means four posts in a week, so you can’t say I’m going light on content. Who’s going to be #1? Here’s a hint: It’s not Hornswoggle. That’s next week, though. Let’s get to this week.
Live from Jacksonville, Florida here’s the Raw Deal…
This week’s guest host is…Snoop Dogg
He came out in a pink Cadillac to a pretty big pop with the Bella twins and Eve. The ladies looked great with Eve looking especially hot. That girl cleans up well, doesn’t she? With Mickie off Raw and Maria Menounos no selling my messages I need a new favorite woman on Raw. I’d say right now it’s between Maryse, Eve and Melina although that important announcement can wait until Maryse comes back soon. Snoop did a good job. He mentioned the HHH/Cena match that we knew of, and then also announced Orton vs. Dibiase and Jericho vs. Michaels, which got me excited. He then did what every other host seems to do by bringing out DX.
The DX boys mentioned how white people like to talk Snoopese (yeah I made that up) by adding “izzle” to words. I’m not doing that. Michael Cole did plenty of it. It wasn’t funny. It never is. DX made fun of themselves for being too white to do it. At least they know. They went over Team Smackdown. For Jericho they said they each beat him soundly at WrestleManias without mentioning that HHH totally buried him in the process. In mentioning Kane they brought up HHH’s action with Katie Vick, who they didn’t mention by name, but referred to her as being stiff. Hey WWE legal team, take down those videos or the Democrats might embarrass Linda. They mentioned Cryme Tyme was selling tickets in the parking lot (wasn’t really funny) and being unable to remember Dolph’s name. Then Hunter didn’t know McIntyre or Escobar, which is a great way of burying a match due to the fact that they don’t have enough big names on Smackdown. Michaels mentioned Vickie with Escobar and Hunter pointed out if you’re going to sleep your way to the top it should be with somebody who weighs less than you. More inside jokes. I laughed at that one. Anyway, team Raw came out. They ran down the whole team. HHH called Mark Henry Kool-Aid, which got a laugh from Mark. Man, everybody in this company is stealing my material now. The highlight was HBK calling Jack the All-American American while saying American five times. HBK’s comedy is usually very good. The other significant thing here was that Kofi spoke without his Jamaican accent as he tried to calm the team down. Triple H was like, “what happened to your Jamaican accent?” Then they just moved on. It was one of the funnier things on the show for sure. Triple H announced they’d be put through a test by taking on five guys from Raw.
Team Raw (Big Show, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, Kofi Kingston & Cody Rhodes) d. Team Jobbers on Raw (MVP, Primo, Masters, Chavo & Bourne) (1/2*)
Carlito is so far off the radar he can’t even make Team Jobbers on Raw. Cody hit his Cross Rhodes finisher, Swagger slapped him in the back to tag in and he scored the pin. It went about three minutes. This entire opening, with one three minute match, took 25 minutes.
Orton and Dibiase talked backstage about Ted pinning him last week. The point of this was Orton was pissed about Ted pinning him last week and he warned him not to touch him or else he’d kick him out of Legacy.
Randy Orton d. Ted Dibiase (*)
This was all about the expressions on their faces and it was fantastic. It was an angle rather than a match, so don’t be fooled by the rating there. As an angle it was very effective. Orton bulled him by kicking him, shoving him and verbally abusing him. The fans wanted Ted to hit him. He refused. Orton taunted him to hit him. He refused again. I liked the camera work too. They focused in on their facial expressions and both guys did a good job of selling the importance of it. A “Teddy! Teddy!” chant even erupted, which was great. Orton won it with a RKO. Teddy’s face turn begins right before his movie, The Marine 2, comes out in a couple months. This is Orton’s next feud.
They aired a video package for the late Captain Lou Albano. This was cool and the crowd gave him a standing O when it was done. I almost forgot how great the Captain Lou song was. Good to hear that again. They busted out a Super Mario clip too! RIP Lou.
Backstage, Snoop was talking to the girls and they conveniently plugged his CD exactly when the camera was on them. Chavo showed up, Jillian showed up and Santino showed up. This is WWE’s comedy trio every week on Raw with Santino being the funniest of them by far. Santino dressed as Charlie Brown was a funny sight gag because he thought it was Snoopy from the cartoons. It wasn’t great like you’d expect from Santino. Snoop asked Eve to grab his bag. It was suggested that it was pot, so WWE put up a “Raw technical difficulties” graphic up with a photo of Cole hugging Hornswoggle. That was funny. Then they came back and we found out Snoop had lit up…scented candles. What a swerve. I know they trying for something great here, but it came out as just okay. When they cut to the announcers, Cole had his arm around King. It’s Michael Cole being a vintage moron.
Hunter the McMahon Family Avenger d. John Cena (****)
Michael Cole said this could be a WrestleMania event. It already has been. Ah well, at this point it’s expected that he says stupid things all the time. This was an excellent match that was one of the best on Raw in 2009. I honestly can’t remember the good TV matches from Raw this year. I remember the Smackdown ones more since there have been plenty. You know how you get to have a 20 minute match on Raw? You sleep your way to the top. Right, Hunter? I’m kidding. I think. I like that this had a big match feel to it, both guys really worked their asses off and they had great chemistry to boot. It’s pretty rare to see guys kicking out of finishers multiple times in a TV match at the top of the second hour considering they only do that kind of thing at a big show like WrestleMania. I liked how it was booked evenly throughout. They each got long submissions on the other guy, they each hit finishers and had the other kick out. That’s how babyface vs. babyface matches should be booked. They did a great job. I even think Cena did a good performance in making fans think this was his last time on Raw by showing remorse and nervousness on his face. I promise you I won’t be complaining about a quality 20 minute match on free TV. It needs to happen more in WWE, especially on Raw.
If you’re wondering why Cena’s losing clean six days before the PPV it’s probably because after he wins the belt on Sunday his next PPV title match will probably be against…shocker of shocks…Triple H. They made it clear that Orton gets no more title shots on Cena, so who else is going to be the next challenger?
The Miz d. Marty Jannetty (3/4*)
They mentioned Jannetty on Smackdown and they brought him in here. He’s 47 and he looked it. Miz won in about four minutes.
Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 comes out today. I’ve read very good reviews. I’m not much of a gamer, but I might have to give it a look at some point.
We found out that at Bragging Rights it will be Melina, Gail and Kelly x2 vs. Michelle, Beth and Natalya. They’re going for faces on Raw vs. heels on SD. That’s why there’s no Mickie James-Canton. It’s cool. She will understand.
Melina d. Jillian (1/4*)
One minute and it was over. Chavo was out with Jillian because I guess they felt the need to combine the shitty divas match with the guest host embarrassing Chavo. Snoop ducked a clothesline, then hit a decent looking spear to take Chavo down. It was one of the greatest 150 pound spears you’ll ever see. After the match, Horny came out dressed like a gangster and everybody (Snoop, Bella Twins, Eve, Gail & Kelly x2) with the highlight being when Horny dry humped Eve multiple times. What a lucky bastard. He was great here, honestly.
They showed an excellent video package on the Orton/Cena feud dating back to 2007. I’m actually looking forward to the match and this video helped. Got to love the video packages that WWE puts out.
They plugged the Bragging Rights card. I’ll have a brief preview in the Talking Smack column, which will probably be posted Saturday in the AM. Still no word on if the 7 on 7 match is elimination style or first pinfall wins. I imagine it is first pinfall wins although it’s not like we got any confirmation on that.
Smackdown this week has Undertaker vs. Punk in a Submissions match for the title. Punk’s not winning.
Next week’s guest hosts: NASCAR stars Kyle Busch and Joey Logano. I follow real sports, so I don’t know who they are although I have heard of Busch. Cena’s done some with him.
Predictable Main Event Brawl
There was no Jericho vs. Michaels. It was a tease. A big tease. Hopefully they do it on Smackdown (if HBK’s there) or maybe next week. Jericho grabbed the microphone and all of Team Smackdown came out. Team Raw came out to counter them. They had a talk center ring. Excuse Me! Here’s Vickie to say she’s a consultant on Team Smackdown (that’s a reach) and she doesn’t want them fighting. Triple H said we don’t listen to her, so let’s fight. The show ended with everybody brawling in predictable fashion. It was okay. They had to rush everything because they were short on time, so it wasn’t as effective as they probably wanted.
I guess the story is even though most of Team Raw hates eachother they will be an actual team in the match because they hate Smackdown that much more? That seems to be what they’re going for. I’d expect more interactions on Smackdown this week too.
Three Stars of the Show
1. Triple H – He had a great match with Cena, he was funny in most of his segments and I like how he even made fun of himself at times. I haven’t enjoyed a Triple H performance this much in a long time although I’m sure HHH haters are probably in full force since he was on about 40% of the show.
2. John Cena – Obviously the match with Hunter was a high point on the show.
3. (tie) Randy Orton – His heel heat is so great that fans wanted Dibiase to destroy him. It’s a testament to how good he can be if he’s given a fresh program that doesn’t involve Cena or Hunter, which we’ve seen too many times.
3. (tie) Ted Dibiase – Played his role perfectly. The Jacksonville crowd definitely got behind him.
Rating: 7.5 (out of 10)
Last week: 5
That’s one of the highest scores I’ve given Raw, I’m sure of it. They did a great job of putting together a thorough, complete show with one great match and some very effective promos while also busting out some good comedy for the most part. I was really happy with the Orton/Dibiase match/segment. It wasn’t really a match, which is what was so great. Ted wanted to go nuts on him, but he refused and you know that it’s coming after Orton drops the belt at Bragging Rights.
Snoop was a pretty good host. I think the promotion of the Bragging Rights matches was solid. I don’t think that’s going to mean a lot of PPV buys, though. Their PPV numbers are down all across the board and with UFC going on the night before, plus competition from the NFL and MLB playoffs (if it’s still going on) they’re going to have a tough time enticing viewers to watch this PPV. They certainly tried their best and I will give them credit for putting on a good show. I was a very pleased Raw viewer this week.
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Thoughts from the Facebook friends aka CommentFest
Here are some random thoughts from some of my facebook friends (just head to Facebook.com/thejohnreport) after I asked for some comments about the show. The comments in green are from the CommentFest while my comments, which will usually be sarcastic, will follow in the brackets when necessary. Got another record amount of comments this week at just under 900, so I had a lot of sifting to do with this:
Tonight, instead of sophisticated, we get to be gangsta. So, I’ll be right back, gonna pop a 40 and check my rollies.
1st time in ages I don’t have to google who the guest host is… finally international appeal guest host… ABOUT FUCKING TIME VINCE (I kinda like it when the foreigners don’t know who the host is. It leads to anger and I like anger.)
I swear if Cole says Televizzle again I’m going to kill a fucking leprechaun.
2 Cole ‘izzles’ in the first 10 seconds…this is going to be a loooooonnnngggg night!
Let me just say, before I get too drunk (and based on the rules tonight, that WILL HAPPEN) I love you guys and am SOOOOOO glad I found this link… now, let’s get to drinking! I MEAN, COMMENTfest!! Love you John for this! (It was a dude that posted this and usually I’m not into loving dudes – not that there’s anything wrong with it – but in this case I say I love you too drunken stranger.)
Vodka helps this whole program go down easier than Michelle McCool. (A little uncalled for, but I approve anyway.)
Oooooh, so that’s why they drafted Eve and the Bella twins to Raw!! Not to actually wrestle then. Nice arm candy tho!
HHH is so cool…did you see him hold his glow sticks in the form of an X. Such a creaive mind the Cerebral Assassin has.
HBKizzle… jesus christ, I’m going to hate Raw tonight more than I thought I’d enjoy it after hearing of Jericho vs. HBK.
HHH still making Katie Vick jokes….and racist jokes towards Cryme Tyme….this shit IS Sophisticated!!!
Funny part of that story is I completely believe that he DID park HHH’s car last week.
OMG Hunter with the comment of the night, but don’t Steph’s ENHANCED Puppies outweigh him? (Is it wrong that I found Stephanie more attractive after daddy bought her those? I don’t think it’s wrong.)
HHH with valuable points on how to sleep your way to the top…and he would know.
Yay- a Latino slander joke by HHH….I wish Al Sharpton was hosting THIS week. (Somebody hoping for Al Sharpton to host? Thanks for posting, Al Sharpton.)
YESSSS Kool-AID!!!
Did the game just say “KOOL AID” OMG John you are so OVER!! (I want a raise.)
OOOOO not tag them in, it’s like watching ECW back in the 90’s. Hardcore stuff.
Team Raw: 2 grown men with glow sticks, 2 black men with braided hair, 1 giant man, and 2 men with lisps. Sure victory. (When you put it that way? Win.)
WHAT THE HELL HAS HAPPENED TO KOFI’S VOICE?! (Puberty? Oh, it wasn’t that.)
Wait, so Jack Swagger actually isn’t terrible on the mic. And Kofi Kingston doesn’t sound Jamaican? When the hell did this all happen? Oh wait, WWE buries these guys, so we never knew! And as I type this, Triple H says “aren’t you supposed to be Jamaican?” I love it.
Is HHH just smashing kayfabe all over the place tonight? (That whole sleeping your way to the top thing comes in handy, doesn’t it?)
I just joined commentfest and I’m already stoned just by reading the previous comments! Thanks Snoop!
Since watching Raw is leading me to develop an addiction to alcohol, will WWE pay for me to go to rehab too? (Yes.)
Oh geez…. looks like Team RAW is divorcing after a quickie marriage!! (Kind of like me and Maria Menounos.)
The Big Show with the BULLDOZER!
…and that’s how Cherry-Grape Kool-Aid was developed.
If i were you… if i were you… if i were you… if i were you i would have remembered my line.
You know… I half-expect Triple H to come out and say that Ted’s going to fight back cuz he’s got a movie coming out in December.
Randy Orton has the most electrifying entrance in sports entertainment.
Anyone else wishing CM Punk was on Raw tonight to confront Snoop!? (Sure.)
Its acting performances like this that landed Teddy The Marine II.
Dibiase doing his best Triple H mean face.
Say what you will about Orton…the man has enough heel heat to put over whomever he’s facing just by facing them.
Don’t cry Ted…I was only playing…you can sleep closer to me in the bed tonight than Cody. I promise. (Thanks for posting, Randy Orton. Too much info, though.)
R.I.P. Captain Lou Albano I will miss you Super Mario!
YAY CAP’N LOU VIDEO!!! FUCK YES! Thank you for being RESPECTFUL Vince!
Shit, I almost cried. Captain Lou, way to be.
Jillian is about to get pimped by Snoop. (I’ve got a $50. Mickie won’t mind.)
CHARLIE BROWN!! PRICELESS!!
Vintage technical difficulties!!!!
Lol @ Cole and Hornswoggle…the perfect face men for the crap that is Raw!
At least they’re honest… Cole is a technical difficulty.
Good grief…why was Cole holding King? Heidenreich is gonna be upset.
The “technical difficulties” screen should be the new Raw Deal banner. (Ha, good idea.)
BATISTA pulled a hamstring while making his DVD.
Wow. A batista DVD. I’m rushing out to get that…is there a disc devoted to his injuries? (Yep, disc four.)
This could be a wrestlemania main event! Oh wait IT ALREADY WAS.
Cole is sitting next to king sweating bullets trying not to say vintage.
ECW: Anything can happen…but it won’t since WWE hates us.
9:10 CST VINTAGE sighting! (Or is it a hearing?)
Shoulder block always gets a vintage Cena.
I want kelly kelly, not john cena and triple h…. (I love this dude with the random Kelly Kelly comments, I have to say.)
What happens if Triple H blows his quad out in this match? Will Michael Cole slip and say “VINTAGE TRIPLE H QUAD INJURY!” and then get fired for it? We could only be so lucky. Come on Trips, take one of the team.
Cole thinks he can fool me by using classic a lot. That’s like skimping me on a sack i want my vintage damnit!
VINTAGE TRIPLE H.
VINTAGE HHH, I heard that one, I drink TRIPLE for TRIPLE H!
Another VINTAGE and I may overdose.
Wow, 3 pedigrees. Way to make Cena look like the Undertaker in his hey-day. (Or John Cena since 2005.)
ZOMG CENA LOST CLEAN! (It almost means he’s winning on Sunday. Oh wait, he is.)
Way to promote the main event by having one of the wrestlers in the main event lose. (Vintage lose on TV, win on PPV style WWE booking.)
Wait..tonight might have been Cena’s last night on RAW?? Really?? King and Cole didn’t mention it.
Kanye West: “Cena Imma let you walk out of RAW but Jeff Hardy’s leaving Smackdown was one of the greatest of all time.”
Jannetty? Well this makes sense. Raw IS the place for 40+ guys.
Way to put the Miz over. Have him beat an over the hill jobber from the 80’s. (I can’t wait for the Calgary Kid vs. Eugene rematch personally.)
I’m actually pulling for Jillian to win. I’m sick of the same three Divas getting to hold the title over and over again.
No Mickie James Canton..lol…at the ppv…what’s up with that…now I know I won’t be ordering it. (Vince hates my wife.)
Vintage Melina fuck up! Didn’t even wait to get in the ring this week.
Hornsnizzle?! Snoopswoggle?! as metallica would say, kill ’em all
And when you thought Vince couldn’t bury Chavo any more, here comes Snoop! Did he pinch Linda’s ass or something?
Mickie James-Canton should be in that ring. (If they put Mickie James-Canton in they will get the post in here.)
KELLY KELLY!!!!!!!! (Yep, same guy.)
Nothing like Horny dry humping Eve. (Man, I hate that midget.)
LMAO, you are overly caucasian, that could be the line of the year! Thanks King!
Horny just D-O double Jizzled his pants and King just called MC overly-caucasian VINTAGE!!!
I’ll give Eve some Gin N’ Juice. OMG I love Eve. John I’m calling this now, Eve is the new Mickie on RAW. (She definitely has the goods.)
Oh god… I like Wrestling and all but I don’t know about the combination of Nascar and Wrestling. That is a lot of rednecks, myself not included.
FUCKING KYLE BUSCH is the host with Joey?? REALLY…NASCAR FANS FUCKING HATE both these morons! (And my neck is FULLY RED, I am QUALIFIED to say that!) (Trainwreck TV next week perhaps?)
Will any of the Raw superstars be allowed to make right turns next week? (Hey, I was going to use a joke like that!)
So in other words, no match, just a showdown between the two teams, instead of what would have probably been up there for match of the year…. Great build up creative, way to get me to buy this ppv, or at least stream it.
Hell, my cat saw this coming. (Garfield?)
I agree with cryme tyme’s shirts: smackdown, smackdown… yeah yeah!
VICKIE & KATIE VICK in the same episode?! VINTAGE VICKTASTICAL!!!
Vickie’s voice=cure for “prolonged erections lasting longer than 6 hours.” (Classy. Probably true.)
Vickie with the most heat since, well, since balloon boy’s dad!
The WWE tag division looked great on Raw…oh wait, that’s because it was the tag division from 1970’s and 1980’s in Albano’s montage and the Rockers were on the show too.
I went to WM25 and the HOF with my wife this year…took the eldest child to WM…family time well worth every penny. (Thanks for posting, Vince McMahon. I’m still not going to Mania. Too expensive.)
Hahaha of the 100 million diva photos viewed this month 95 million was john … looking at mickie 😛 (This is the most accurate statement in the history of the commentfest.)
Thanks for the participation as always.
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See you on Saturday or Sunday for the Talking Smack column, which will include a brief preview for Bragging Rights also. You can also check out my weekly NFL picks at Sportsoratory.com, which should be posted early Friday. And check us out at the Oratory for more wrestling columns as well as plenty of MMA coverage including a weekly Ultimate Fighter rundown among other things.
Next week is a big one: WWE Roster Evaluation. I’ve got a busy week of writing ahead.
Thanks for reading. Have a great week.
Smell ya later,
John Canton – [email protected]
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